Friends,

I apologize for the lack of posts lately. Work has been blog prohibitive. However, worth breaking the silence is this excellent new book that came to my attention when the author emailed me saying he is a time-to-time reader of the website.

The book, called “ON THE METRO: got me thinking [vol. 1]” is depicted below.

I asked the author, John “Major” Nelson if he could send a chapter that I could post here. He was kind enough to send me a copy of the book. I have already read through two chapters, and they’ve both been great — you can read the first chapter via amazon (click the book above).

Here’s the description:

Every day we see the mundane, the same old same old. But, if you look closely enough there is a lot going on. A lot of good things. If we stop for a moment, and think, we will see that the world is not so gray and hopeless. It is not routine. It isn’t even boring. If we stop and think of the wonders around us, there is something there. Something that “Got me thinking”.
I began writing the 420 character (or less) thoughts on Facebook statuses so that I could pass some time as I moved from point A to point B, and perhaps back again. But somewhere along the line, people began to respond to the thoughts. Folks grew passionate about getting up, having coffee, and reading the “metro musings”. It became something to pass on through Facebook, or email.
The purpose was to simply write down some positive thoughts while in the most negative, barren part of my day. It was a way to find beauty in a gray world, seemingly filled with hatred, death, famine and any other horrid things that come to your mind. This book, for the lack of a better term, is just thoughts that you or I could have while riding on a train.
It is just something, anything, nothing, which, for the lack of a better term, got me thinking.

Will report back when I am finished. I expect it will be a great read.

I’d like to keep the site going. If you’d like to be a poster, please email mail (at) metroclosesdoors [dot] com.

We are looking for contributors for our website. Please email metro (at) bomblemail (dot) com with a three paragraph diddy about why you’d like to post on here, and an interesting metro experience you’ve had.

Seriously.

This morning, I had to endure the torture of watching this ginger lady take up an entire bench from King Street to L’Enfant Plaza. She had an airport bag with her, and an entire cake. I thought “maybe she’s getting off at Reagan”, so I waited to take her seat. I was wrong.

Then this tourist family got on at Crystal City. The car became very crowded, and you could tell the tourists were uneasy. As 1/2 of the car exited at L’Enfant, this little girl (no older than six) blurts out “finally!”

She said what we were all thinking and my end of the car chuckled with her.

I saw a crackhead this morning have his pants fall down as he attempted to leave the system. Not surprisingly, his farecard didn’t have enough money on it.

The escalators were still wrong.

Later, while having breakfast at McDonald’s, the crackhead proceeded to shout at all of the customers for no reason.

It was a great morning..

I don’t know if only guys sense this fear, or if girls do as well…

During the morning rush, when you use your smartrip in a hurry to get through the gate, do you ever fear the orange triangles could shut on your ‘cash and prizes?’ Because I do.

That would hurt.

I love Easter, don’t get me wrong. Paas eggs. Hollow bunnies. Pastels. It’s just dandy.

What I don’t like is having to deal with Easter tourists. I would estimate that I missed probably missed 3 trains already this week because of people milling around Gallery Place / Chinatown. All tourists. I love ya, but you’re making it hard. Almost as annoying as all of the D.C. school children shouting at the top of their lungs to their friend who is two feet away.

What’s beyond me, is that, PEOPLE ALL SEEM TO WANT TO GET ON THE FIRST CAR OR THE LAST CAR.

Why?

I seriously don’t understand it. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs… “SPREAD OUT ALONG THE FUCKING PLATFORM AND YOU’LL GET TO WORK FASTER!” Maybe that’s why people do it. Nobody wants to get to work on time.

Which reminds me. I haven’t posted in a while. Sorry to disappoint.

I still continue to wonder why the crackpots at Metro haven’t been able to get the Union Station escalators running in the right direction. You know, the same way people drive. You come up to the top of the escalators, and you see that Metro has people going down on the right, and up on the left. This creates the biggest clusterfuck you’ll ever see between 7am and 9am. Why? Everyone coming down to get on instinctively goes to the far right, swimming like salmon upstream through a sea of commuters, already pissed off at the world. Metro, for one day, decided to switch. I don’t know why? Personally, I think the station manager messed up.

Anyways, I got so pissed thinking about it, I wrote Metro, just now. No, I didn’t use my email at this domain. We don’t want metro knowing about our little secret now, do we?

Here is my letter.

I have a question, and it’s quite simple. Frankly, I’ve thought about it for some time. Why are the escalators going up into Union Station (shopping end) backwards? When you drive, you drive on the right, and people go the opposite way on the left. It’s the way things are, and people act subconsciously because of it. I’ve worked in D.C. for a year now, and only one day, one day, did whoever turned the escalators on actually “get it right.” Obviously, it was a mistake, because it never happened again. When I, and 300 others get off at Union Station to go to work, once we turn the corner, we are faced with tons of pricks trying to cut over to our side, and people have to do that awkward two step.

Frankly, it irritates me nearly every morning. I know I’m not the only one. Do you think you could change it to reflect the true flow of traffic. People go up on the right side, and down on the left?

Let me know…

Anyways, I am looking for new stories about metro. Have any? If so, drop us a line…

Has anyone else heard this?

It goes a little something like this.

“Hi. Welcome to Metro. We have a lot of escalators in our system. You’ll notice that most people stand on the right side. And while you’re riding, hold the handrail for your safety. Enjoy your trip, and thank you for riding Metro.”

Apparently, WaPo did a story on it last year. Oops.

Anyway, this little blurb got me thinking. What if it were said in the mindset of an angry commuter on a Monday morning?

In that case, it’d go something like this.

“Hi. Welcome to Metro. We have a lot of escalators in our system. You’ll notice that most people stand on the right side. If you’re not walking on the left side, you’ll probably get stabbed or thrown over the side of the escalator. Thanks for visiting Washington!”

NOTE: You can listen to the ads, here.

If there is one part of my morning I could do without, it would be transferring at Gallery Pl./Chinatown.

Every morning, without fail, I just get so upset that I just want to beat someone silly with my copy of EXPRESS.

I figure I’ll outline my daily journey, pointing out what could be done without.

Get off Yellow Line and walk through throngs of confused, tired souls towards the Glenmont escalator. This, without fail, will always have at least one person stand on the left side of the escalator and realize they’re being an asshole about 2/3 of the way up.

Once I turn the corner, you’ll have the eager pricks trying to pinball through an entire trainload of people to cut the corner to go to the down escalator. Come on people, an entire trainload of folks is barreling up an escalator and around a corner, do you think the train is miraculously still there?

Throughout this entire trip, are the obese and lazy people… well most of these people are obese because they are lazy, who have to pull their shit behind them in a mini suitcase. Take a fucking cab or I will push you down the escalator.

The next corner to turn is turning left down the Glenmont direction Red Line platform, which is always inordinately crowded. Here’s a novel idea: SPREAD THE FUCK OUT. By doing this, you’ll increase your odds of getting a seat. The Red Line is not a roller coaster; it’s not more fun to ride in the first car.

While waiting for the trains, you sadly notice how lame the “Happy 10th Birthday Verizon Center” signs. It has only been the Verizon center for like 4-5 years. Over on the Hill, there’s still a sign that says MCI CENTER. In addition to those stupid faux tattoos everyone in the ads have, they should change the caption to ‘Happy Birthday building now known as the Verizon Center!”. Next time I want to watch the Wizards get swept by the Cavaliers, eat at the dirtiest McDonalds & Chipotle in the region, or see some shitty concert, I’ll wish the Verizon center a happy birthday, in the interim, I could care less…

After pushing through that crowd of miscreants, one must endure the pungent aroma of brake fluid, unfailingly ever present. How come it’s only EVERY Red Line train that smells like ass? Another reason to hate the Red Line and the residential snobs who take it every day and talk about how ‘convenient’ it is.

Lastly, why are the doors on Red Line trains held open longer? To force the smell of brake fluid on us even longer?

Don’t even get me started about the ‘speed restrictions’ between Gallery place and Judouchiary/ Judishiary/ Judiciary square. (Pick the correct spelling, and you will never be a metro train driver). We all know the ‘speed restrictions’ meant that ‘we’re changing the target advertisement you no longer notice into one for a pick up truck’. Thanks for understanding.